On dating and finding a partner for life

11 Feb, 2026

You will not be surprised to read that, I, the old man, was dating before apps and technology got in between people, and that my wife, which I still love to this day, more than when I meet her, was a complete mystery to me when we first met and started dating.

What was “dating” then?

We dated people to know them, not for who they are (that will come once you move in together) but for who they think they are.
In your 20s (the right time to date) you still don’t fully know who you are, and more importantly, you can still change who you are (30+ and you can’t even change your wardrobe, good luck changing your personality and values!).

People got sold, for a long time, even back then¹, on the soulmates, the other half of the apple, that perfect match that it’s out there waiting to be found - basically find the forever happiness you are entitled to without doing any of the work.
You are who you are afterall, right? If they don’t accept you at your worse they don’t deserve you at your best, right?
Wrong! You are a mess like everyone else, you are not a special price for the lucky getter, you are flawed, and your forever partner will be flawed to - forever flawed! - and that ok, that’s good!

Dating was the thrill of discovery: what they like to do? what they think? how they react? what stuff they enjoy? can you have fun? can you be vulnerable?

And you needed that thrill because dating is also hard, emotionally you are leaving yourself open to pain, socially you are sacrificing proven worthy relationships (friends and family) to invest on a new adventure, that might not work out.

Also, sex! You dated to have sex, not crazy amount of it, you had to go through the steps to get there, but it was a good motivator to keep you in the game while you discovered if there was a future with this person.

What is “dating” now?

This is second hand information and observations of few family members and family friends that are now in that bracket.
For the most part seems to be about competing and comparing.

Before the pool of people you could date was pretty small and vouched by your community: school, work, church, family & friends, hobbies & sports, these were the communities where you could find someone.
Those communities did an ok job in screening and vouching for their members: if you both were in one, or more of this groups together, then you were somewhat compatible.
What’s that pool now?
Everything seems to be setup for total isolation.
School? Hyper-connected students mean hyper-selecting communities, any sexual instinct to break free from the unbearable awkwardness is, most likely, neutered by infinite porn.
Work? Are you willing to risk getting in trouble with HR? That if you’re even in the same building or actually leaving your home in the remote-first world.
Church? Yeah right, exactly.
Friends & Family? Probably still holding on as before.
Hobbies & Sports? Have you seen anyone lifting their eyes from a screen or removing their headphones lately?

But but but, we have a new community now, and it’s huge, the internet! Surely having the option to meet anyone in the world, virtually, leads to more efficiencies, better matches, higher number of relationships, more happiness?
Well no, because you reverse the process, you are getting to know someone, before actually knowing someone.
You are recruiting for a position now, but you’re emotionally involved in the outcome, so no compromises, the perfect candidate is out there waiting, no changes to the job description, no extra benefits, you’re young, you have time, you getting few candidates, just keep looking.

Knock knock, it’s your 30s

Time surely flies when we are having fun, and hey presto, you’re 34, no stable relationship, or a relationship that you don’t feel is going anywhere, you both want different things, what about kids? what about moving? when will you get a place of your own? surely it would get your old parents off your back!

So what happened? You had it all going for you, how come people you looked down upon seems to have it all figured out, and you got stuck at the starting line?

I can say this much: finding a partner is easy, falling in love is easy (when you’re young), staying together is hard, is one of the hardest things you will do in your life (that and willingly let your kids make mistakes), giving and gaining respect is hard, changing for someone else is hard.

There is a reason why marriage used to be for life, it wasn’t the patriarchy or whatever, it was because it’s all too often and too easy to give up, any couple that stayed together for a long time will have stories to tell that confirm this, go ask your parents or grandparents, if they are honest they will tell you that couple of times they didn’t know how it was going to be, but they stayed together, they did the work.

Is it perfect? Hell no! Remember, flawed, you and the other, forever flawed!, but it is a hell of a lot better that floating among people, without never truly having the guts to let your ego die so that the space to welcome someone else can be created.

#dating #marriage #society